when you're not pleasing yourself...

It starts with the desire to be thought of as a good person - and what’s wrong with that?  In principle absolutely nothing. We strive to live a good life, thinking of others and contributing to society. Most of us are brought up to fear the perception we’re in some way mean or unkind and I know as a parent, I try to teach my children the significance of showing consideration to others. However, somewhere on my journey to adulthood, this desire to care for others fuelled a need to prove my worth and before I knew it, my sense of value was determined by how much I could help and please others.

When we alter how we behave or what we say for the sake of another person’s feelings, how do we know when we’ve gone too far?


You find it hard to say “NO"

How does it feel in your body when someone asks you to give your time or energy and you want to say “no”? Take a moment to bring to mind when this has happened recently, close your eyes and listen to what happens inside. Perhaps you feel frustration or even resentment. The drive to say “yes” to make someone else happy is, to a certain extent, cultural and even evolutionary. To co-exist and demonstrate mutual respect we look after one another. We learn early in childhood that when we do something right, we receive approval and when we do something wrong, we may experience disappointment, leading to feelings of guilt and even shame. We learn quickly what “fitting in” means and perhaps experiment with the role we play with others. Somewhere along the line you may find yourself in the habit of sacrificing for others and not having your needs met in return. If this rings true for you, it’s worth noting that perhaps you’ve never really learned (or were never not taught) to protect our own energy and emotions. Protecting ourselves by saying “no” means learning to be o.k with the temporary discomfort it brings and quieten our inner critic when it tries to berate us.


What’s the underlying fear?

When we really scrutinise what it is that makes us silence the “no”, it’s fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of not wanting people to dislike us. Fear of letting someone else down. Sometimes the fear can be of missing out (FOMO)! Underneath it all is the message that love is conditional. Putting it another way, we are choosing to believe that we are only of value to others when we have something to give and for many of us, when we give everything we possibly can.  How would our loved ones feel if they knew this? I’m not suggesting it is always easy to express what you need and put yourself first, however, if you were honest about your need to say “no” and explain what it’s costing you to say “yes”, would a loved one want you to sacrifice your energy? Would you, if the roles were reversed? When you’re fighting the impulse to please it’s always worth taking a moment to breathe and challenge whether part of your motivation to say yes comes from an element fo fear.


Keeping the peace.

For many of us, it is fear of conflict that concerns us most. Even the thought of someone else’s potential anger is immensely distressing. If your highest value is to make those around you happy, then their disappointment means you have failed. Wow - that’s a statement! Underneath it all though, is there a grain of truth in this? Particularly when we find ourselves in supportive, nurturing or facilitating roles, we spend a lot of energy building others up. When we receive praise and appreciation for this we feel valued and feeling valued is an essential human need.  You’ve heard the old saying, “keeping the peace by avoiding conflict, only starts a war within yourself”, but what does that mean for you? People pleasers are experts in denying their own feelings but there is a very real potential for nurturing a well of resentment that leads to unexpressed anger. Unexpressed anger can lead to depression. Not only is it important to release these feelings but there are some steps you can take towards protecting yourself from yourself!

• - Wait to be asked. Sounds simple I know, but just watch out for an inclination to offer help...perhaps you’re coming to the rescue of people who could either ask someone else for help or could figure things out themselves. This might make a huge difference to how often people ask you for help too.
• - Put your energy first. So you’ve been asked for help and you know you can make a difference but do you have the physical, emotional or psychological reserves to say “yes” without depleting? If you say “yes” what will be the impact, not just on you, but on your family or those you care for? Meeting your own needs allows you to have the energetic reserves for when you’re truly needed.
• - Cultivate firm boundaries.  Most challenges come back to boundaries. Boundaries with others and boundaries with ourselves. If you’re not used to saying “no”, start small. Find opportunities in the week to assert your “no” and when you’re asked for help, try saying no and supporting the person in need to find an alternative solution.